November 29, 2014

Dreams



Hey.

Mushroom Forest?
It's the almost-end of November! To celebrate the nearly finished semester and the end of NaNoWriMo (in which, of course, I didn't participate), I present a story. A story outside of the anthropomorphic object universe. Or maybe it's in the same universe, but it has nothing to do with speaking inanimate objects.

This is actually a story I wrote a couple years ago that I revised as an exercise for one of my translation classes, and I must warn you, Dear Reader  there isn't much of a plot. (Ed. I'd make a male novelist joke here, but Mallory Ortberg over at the Toast has already made all of them)

I apologise in advance for the lack of cohesion. It is, after all, a Dream.

November 25, 2014

The Beer Jar Pt. 2: Beerdel Test (Boneshaker Unfiltered IPA)



Hey.

Cloudy, like the weather.
I have been asked to provide recommendations for lady beers (to be written when I'm slightly drunk)! If you need a refresher on what exactly constitutes a lady beer, check this out.

'Beerdel Test' coined by Julian.


Boneshaker Unfiltered IPA

Unfortunately, it receives a failing grade on the lady beer scale. First of all, it came in a can with no bells or whistles - not even some ribbon! - with a skeleton riding a bicycle on it. Right on the front of the can, it says "Strong Beer - Bière forte", which definitely gives off manly vibes that are sure to turn away any proper lady.

November 22, 2014

How to Avoid Slipping When Walking Down Icy Sidewalks of Almost Certain Doom (ISoACD)



Hey.

Will I slip and die? Will I slip and die? - The answer is always 'yes'.
Here are some ways to navigate ISoACD.

1. Walk like a little old lady: slowly, with tiny steps, and with a walker fitted with ice picks.

2. Wear ice cleats.

3. Walk on the (wrong side of the) road, because it will definitely be clearer than the sidewalk.

4. Push a salt dispenser while walking.

5. Shuffle.

6. Fly.

November 15, 2014

Almost Free



Hey.
Cat closeup. Mrow.
Huzzah! Midterms are over! To celebrate, I treated myself to some fairly cheap wine (2012 Beaujolais, les vins Georges DuBoeuf, for all ye wine enthusiasts), some spaghetti, and Dragon Age: Origins.

Envision this: Me, cooking, with a frying pan in one hand and a glass of wine in the other. Later the same evening, I'm strategising my battle against Darkspawn with one hand and swirling a glass of wine in the other.

No interruptions. No studying. No one around me. Basically the perfect evening.

November 12, 2014

The Comment Section



Hey.

Screenshot from the New York Times. And, Mr. Gessbergwitz, you are wrong.
A day late. I would like to claim a sick day, with retroactive pay.

Comment sections tend to horrify me, yet I can't stop scrolling down. I think it helps me stay calm when I have a real life conversation with someone I completely disagree with, since I can only sit and stew in impotent rage when I encounter inordinately idiotic (and incorrect) opinions.

On a marginally related note, I want to know what kind of hellish construction is going on right now in downtown Ottawa. It wakes me without fail at 7:10 A.M. with incessant hammering that almost sounds like gunshots, then continues throughout the day, with much grinding of metal and rumbling of Sandy Hill and dropping of what can only be described as "anvils".

November 08, 2014

The Beer Jar



Hey.

Tennent's Original Export Lager, a perfectly quaffable lady's macrobrew. It says "Made in Canada" on the bottom, in case you were wondering. Mason jar comes courtesy of Anabelle.
I was reading reviews for beers, because that's what I do when I'm procrastinating, and I came across the phrase "lady's beer".

... I'm sorry, what?


After researching extensively and quaffing a couple of beers, here's what I've come up with.

1. A lady's beer is a light, grainy brew so as not to overwhelm her delicate tastebuds.

2. A lady's beer must be fairly pale, like the lager shown above, as its colouring bears witness to its lower caloric content (?) - and we all know that ladies are always looking out for their waistlines.

3. A lady's beer must always be presented in a container with a bow around it to demonstrate its femininity. Otherwise, ladies will mistake it for a man's beer and will automatically avoid it in order to impede upper lip hair growth.

There's more, but I need to study. Five (5) more midterms to go!

Edit: I tried another, exceedingly bad beer, which I proceeded to spill because of how gross it was. My fingers now smell like feet.

November 04, 2014

Midnight Selfie



Hey.

"But Tory!" you might say, "It's just a black rectangle!" to which I'll reply: "Yes. Yes, it is."

My theme for the next couple of months is "low effort", because I have clearly been putting so much effort into keeping this blog interesting.

Hey there, 5 regular readers! Have you ever wondered what Not!Cartoon me looks like? Here's your chance: a Midnight Selfie! #selfie #SoGot #hawt #midnight #omgsodarkinhere #toomanyhashtags

November 01, 2014

November



Hey.

Am writing this at a very strange hour. Not much to say.



NaNoWriMo is here! Guess who isn't participating.

(Me. It's me. I'm not participating.)

However, Julian is, and I wish him, along with everyone else committing to it, the best of luck. May the gods be with you, or whatever.