December 30, 2014

Docs!



Hey.

I interrupt your regularly scheduled programming to announce the arrival of a new family member:

You can see some expert product placement in the recycling bin.

Huzzah! Three decades too late, my first pair of combat boots!

Many thanks to all who have made this possible, namely my parents.

Anyway, it's nearly the end of 2014! I'll be spending the evening with some old friends, and you should all do the same. Or don't, if you don't want to.

December 27, 2014

Another Day



Hey.

There will be at least one more in this saga of redhead portraits... but I swear, I picked all these photos randomly.

The dapper lady above (Ariel) and I both hope you've all had lovely things occurring over the past couple of days.

Of course, lovely things should be occurring to everyone at all times, but I don't think Life works out that way.

Anyway, hope you've had a Happy Solstice, Hanukkah, Christmas, Kwanzaa, Gurnenthar's Ascendance, whatever.

December 23, 2014

Three Vignettes and a Scene from the Bedroom



Hey.

Extremely old sketch.

     My eyes follow a fly lazily circling around and landing on a donut inside the display case of the Tim Hortons. The dryness stings a bit. Around me, people scream.

*****

     They were attached to the cold, slowly rusting slabs of stainless steel in complete darkness for eighteen months.
     "Hey," the left one said, "you sentient yet?"
     "Are you kidding?" the right one said, "I was already sentient after three months of neglect."
     "Well aren't you special," said the left one.

*****

     The small child picked an apple and promptly bit into it. Its sweet juice dribbled down his chin. Although he couldn't see it, all the trees around him winced.

*****

Scenes from the Bedroom
The day to day goings-on in the Bedroom

     Her Bedroom plant, already yellowed, seemed to wilt even more as the fragrant odour of her cat's fart wafted across the room. She gave the offending kitty an indulgent smile.

     "Who's a bad kitty? Who's a bad kitty?" She paused. "You are."

     Her cat turned and exited the Bedroom. Damn right I am, it thought.

December 20, 2014

Tuna



Hey.

Maurice Ravel, my #1 composer.

The other day, I opened a can of tuna that had been languishing in my backpack for a week because I'd forgotten I'd bought it.

It looked like cat food.

Of course I still ate it. It cost like $2.50 to buy the freaking thing.

It tasted great.

Tuna 5eva





Scenes from the Bedroom
The day to day goings-on in the Bedroom

     She sneezed. "Phew! Excuse me -" She realised she was in her room. Alone. "- said the schizophrenic to the voices in her head."

     She looked back to her notes, ready to resume her study session. "At least I hope I'm alone," she muttered. "Right?

        "... Right."

December 16, 2014

The Beer Jar Pt. 3: Beerdel Test (Mill St. Vanilla Porter)



Hey.

Grabbed this from the Mill St. Brewery site, since I couldn't find the can after a night of debauchery and drunkenness (D&D).

Another beer, another installment of the Beerdel Test. This time, we will be reviewing the Mill St. Vanilla Porter.

Rules for a good lady beer can be found here.


Mill St. Vanilla Porter

This can is much more appealing to ladies than our last Beerdel test Can-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named: a nice, neutral beige, which is a little passé (it's just SO 2010), but acceptably fashionable; and a proper flower gracing the front, sending a reassuring note to all ladies.

Beware the Trojan Horse, my fellow sistren.

December 12, 2014

Exam Break



Hey.

Some people just have shocking bone structure.

Dear Five Regular Readers,

I am lining up posts before my next block of exams. Stay upright! Unless you're sleeping of course, in which case it's perfectly acceptable to lounge a little.

Regular posts return next Tuesday.


Here I Am

As I walked towards the gym where my latest exam was being held, I thought to myself: Here I am, armed only with my knowledge and a pencil.


"Here I am, armed only with my knowledge and a pencil," said the collection of atoms. The other collection of atoms agreed. They both had a sense of self and truly believed in Ayn Rand, and thus were superior to other collections of atoms. Eventually, they died and were recycled into perfectly harmless hyacinths.

"I am here," he said, "armed only with my knowledge and a pencil." He tossed his cape back, uncovering both his shoulders and their impressive footballer shoulder pads. The pads flexed, ripping their shirts open. "HULK SMASH," they said in unison.

"Here I am, only armed with my knowledge and a pencil," she said. "Are you sure you're only armed with your knowledge and a pencil?" her Translation professor asked. He needed to learn when to turn his neuroses off.

I tried to turn the sentence into Yodish, but it didn't really work out. "Here, I am," said Yoda. "Knowledge and a pencil, I only have." His left ear twitched as he subconsciously registered the pitter-patter of a squirrel's feet. He began to salivate a little. It had been so long...

"Here I am, armed only with my knowledge and a pencil," she said. She pushed the silicone, breast-enlarging pads attached to her jumper out of the way. She was ready to brawl.

December 02, 2014



Hey.

Am on hold for finals. Enjoy yourselves.

If this meme design is yours, say hi!

November 29, 2014

Dreams



Hey.

Mushroom Forest?
It's the almost-end of November! To celebrate the nearly finished semester and the end of NaNoWriMo (in which, of course, I didn't participate), I present a story. A story outside of the anthropomorphic object universe. Or maybe it's in the same universe, but it has nothing to do with speaking inanimate objects.

This is actually a story I wrote a couple years ago that I revised as an exercise for one of my translation classes, and I must warn you, Dear Reader  there isn't much of a plot. (Ed. I'd make a male novelist joke here, but Mallory Ortberg over at the Toast has already made all of them)

I apologise in advance for the lack of cohesion. It is, after all, a Dream.

November 25, 2014

The Beer Jar Pt. 2: Beerdel Test (Boneshaker Unfiltered IPA)



Hey.

Cloudy, like the weather.
I have been asked to provide recommendations for lady beers (to be written when I'm slightly drunk)! If you need a refresher on what exactly constitutes a lady beer, check this out.

'Beerdel Test' coined by Julian.


Boneshaker Unfiltered IPA

Unfortunately, it receives a failing grade on the lady beer scale. First of all, it came in a can with no bells or whistles - not even some ribbon! - with a skeleton riding a bicycle on it. Right on the front of the can, it says "Strong Beer - Bière forte", which definitely gives off manly vibes that are sure to turn away any proper lady.

November 22, 2014

How to Avoid Slipping When Walking Down Icy Sidewalks of Almost Certain Doom (ISoACD)



Hey.

Will I slip and die? Will I slip and die? - The answer is always 'yes'.
Here are some ways to navigate ISoACD.

1. Walk like a little old lady: slowly, with tiny steps, and with a walker fitted with ice picks.

2. Wear ice cleats.

3. Walk on the (wrong side of the) road, because it will definitely be clearer than the sidewalk.

4. Push a salt dispenser while walking.

5. Shuffle.

6. Fly.

November 15, 2014

Almost Free



Hey.
Cat closeup. Mrow.
Huzzah! Midterms are over! To celebrate, I treated myself to some fairly cheap wine (2012 Beaujolais, les vins Georges DuBoeuf, for all ye wine enthusiasts), some spaghetti, and Dragon Age: Origins.

Envision this: Me, cooking, with a frying pan in one hand and a glass of wine in the other. Later the same evening, I'm strategising my battle against Darkspawn with one hand and swirling a glass of wine in the other.

No interruptions. No studying. No one around me. Basically the perfect evening.

November 12, 2014

The Comment Section



Hey.

Screenshot from the New York Times. And, Mr. Gessbergwitz, you are wrong.
A day late. I would like to claim a sick day, with retroactive pay.

Comment sections tend to horrify me, yet I can't stop scrolling down. I think it helps me stay calm when I have a real life conversation with someone I completely disagree with, since I can only sit and stew in impotent rage when I encounter inordinately idiotic (and incorrect) opinions.

On a marginally related note, I want to know what kind of hellish construction is going on right now in downtown Ottawa. It wakes me without fail at 7:10 A.M. with incessant hammering that almost sounds like gunshots, then continues throughout the day, with much grinding of metal and rumbling of Sandy Hill and dropping of what can only be described as "anvils".

November 08, 2014

The Beer Jar



Hey.

Tennent's Original Export Lager, a perfectly quaffable lady's macrobrew. It says "Made in Canada" on the bottom, in case you were wondering. Mason jar comes courtesy of Anabelle.
I was reading reviews for beers, because that's what I do when I'm procrastinating, and I came across the phrase "lady's beer".

... I'm sorry, what?


After researching extensively and quaffing a couple of beers, here's what I've come up with.

1. A lady's beer is a light, grainy brew so as not to overwhelm her delicate tastebuds.

2. A lady's beer must be fairly pale, like the lager shown above, as its colouring bears witness to its lower caloric content (?) - and we all know that ladies are always looking out for their waistlines.

3. A lady's beer must always be presented in a container with a bow around it to demonstrate its femininity. Otherwise, ladies will mistake it for a man's beer and will automatically avoid it in order to impede upper lip hair growth.

There's more, but I need to study. Five (5) more midterms to go!

Edit: I tried another, exceedingly bad beer, which I proceeded to spill because of how gross it was. My fingers now smell like feet.

November 04, 2014

Midnight Selfie



Hey.

"But Tory!" you might say, "It's just a black rectangle!" to which I'll reply: "Yes. Yes, it is."

My theme for the next couple of months is "low effort", because I have clearly been putting so much effort into keeping this blog interesting.

Hey there, 5 regular readers! Have you ever wondered what Not!Cartoon me looks like? Here's your chance: a Midnight Selfie! #selfie #SoGot #hawt #midnight #omgsodarkinhere #toomanyhashtags

November 01, 2014

November



Hey.

Am writing this at a very strange hour. Not much to say.



NaNoWriMo is here! Guess who isn't participating.

(Me. It's me. I'm not participating.)

However, Julian is, and I wish him, along with everyone else committing to it, the best of luck. May the gods be with you, or whatever.

October 28, 2014

Eyebrows, and the Child On the Bus



Hey.

The battery on my tablet was dead, so I used Krita (might as well have been Paint, for all the skill I used) on my laptop...
I am writing this during my fall reading week, although by the time this is read, it'll probably be November or something.

After several minutes of contemplating my eyebrows, I have concluded that they're kind of... well, strange. Eyebrows in general, not just mine. They're just bizarre-looking things up close. And I don't know about anyone else's, but mine are really soft. I'd continue stroking them forever if I didn't have an irrational fear that they'd fall off.

Shortly after writing the above, I went downstairs to my parents - who'd just come in - and fully inspected their eyebrows. I commend them for taking it all in stride. They didn't even ask me why I was so interested in their eyebrows, even though my mum asks me to explain every other minute facet of my life. She was probably too tired to care. I just waltzed into the kitchen where they were congregated, and, immediately after greeting them, told my mum that I was going to look very closely at and stroke her eyebrows. She closed her eyes and let me stroke them, then I moved on to inspecting my dad's, and it hasn't occurred to me how strange that was until right now.

I'm so weird that my parents don't even ask questions anymore.

My mother has fabulous eyebrows.

I wish mine were more like hers.


Anyway, here's a truncated transcript of my interaction with a little boy on the bus a little while ago.

Child: I'm six!

He shows me six fingers.

Me: That's a good age. I wish I was six. Guess how old I am.

Child: Thirteen!

Me: ... No.

I say goodbye as he exits the bus with his mother, and wonder if I actually look thirteen.

October 25, 2014

The Leaf



Hey.


Another (disappointing) story in the series of anthropomorphic objects! Part one, part two, part three.

This one took me much too long to write.

The Leaf

   "Tell me a story," the voice said. It was a dry, crinkly sort of voice, one that sent a pins-and-needles shiver down my spine and made the back of my neck prickle. I didn't know where it was coming from. I was, as far as I knew, alone in a cave, trapped by the blizzard raging around me.

   "Yeah," I said, "I'll tell you a story. What do you want to hear about?"

   "Anything," said the voice. "I have not had much contact with the outside world lately."

October 22, 2014

News!



Hey.

No image today, don't have my tablet with me.

The University of Ottawa is under lockdown. It's pretty boring here, just sitting and waiting, but there's something important that's just happened -

The soldier who was shot while standing guard at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier died.


A few things first:

1. This MIGHT NOT be an act of terrorism, people. Please wait for further news before speculating and martyring the gunman before we even know why he acted like this.

2. Students in my class, and I'm assuming other classes around campus, are leaving the building. This is both unsafe and impedes police work. The entire downtown area is shut down, the buses aren't running, all the garages are locked; their only option is walking. What the hell is wrong with them?

3. Students are celebrating that their midterms and classes are cancelled. It seems insensitive to me, but understandable. Our immediate lives take precedence over a stranger's life.


I don't have the capacity to write words of condolence to offer the soldier's family. They'll have many words from many other people, better written ones, and all I can say is that I'm sorry.

My thoughts are with them.




Edit: Lockdown was lifted a little after 16:00. Bus service was horribly slow going towards Parliament, as was expected. Best wishes to everyone, and thank you to all law enforcement personnel involved.

Edit 2: "The Soldier" is Corporal Nathan Cirillo, whose name was released a few hours ago.

October 21, 2014

Kinesin Part 3: Don't Let Go



Hey.

October 18, 2014

Kinesin Part 2: Kinesin Meets Myosin



Hey.
Click to enlarge.

October 14, 2014

Kinesin Part 1



Hey.
Click to enlarge.

October 11, 2014

A Love Letter



Hey.

No, I swear Second Cup®/MD isn't sponsoring me. If they were, I'd have free coffee. I do not have free coffee.
As much as I like a good night's sleep, coffee is an acceptable substitute. Well, almost acceptable. The part where it's a diuretic, and occasionally a laxative, is not so great.

Oh right, this is supposed to be a love letter. In the words of Vita Sackville-West to Virginia Woolf:

"I am reduced to a thing that wants [coffee]. I composed a beautiful letter to you in the sleepless nightmare hours of the night, and it has all gone: I just miss you, in a quite simple desperate human way [...] However I won't bore you with any more."

October 07, 2014

The Attack



Hey.

Were they attacked by drummers? Squirrels? Republicans? PLEASE TELL ME BECAUSE I REALLY WANT TO KNOW.
The other day, I received a spam message from one of those petition sites - you know, Change.org or something - and the subject line read:

"Dear [Tory], Please help! My sister and her husband were attacked by..."

... By what? Ebola? A bear? Jehovah's Witnesses? How could I possibly change any of those things by signing an online petition?

In related news, [South] Korea apparently has a lot of intense Christianity-spreaders (CS). My friend Gail told me about her friend - I'll call her Flo - who had an "encounter". The CSs buzzed Flo's apartment, claiming they had a delivery. When she opened the door, they didn't have any packages, but they did have the Lord.

I always thought the Lord was supposed to deliver us.

October 04, 2014

Turkeyball Noodle Soup



Hey.
    When Life throws you a kitchen fire, stare at it blankly with a spatula in hand.
    Do you like soup? I like soup. This is a soup recipe that is both extensive and curiously useless.

    If you are vegetarian, you can omit the ground meat or replace it, and use vegetable broth instead of chicken broth.

    Ingredients:

    Any vegetables you want in the soup. I suggest primarily celery (3-5 stalks), onions (1 large, preferably yellow), and carrots (equal amount to celery), plus anything else. If you're sick, add lots of garlic. If you want potatoes, use a couple yellow ones. If you want mushrooms, use any kind. You can also use spinach, kale, zucchini, etc., although I don't think lettuce is a particularly good idea.

    September 30, 2014

    Monkchuks



    Hey.

    "I can have monkchuks! They're like nunchuks, except I'm not a nun."
    Anabelle's exact words from our Dungeons & Dragons session on Saturday. She plays an elc orf cleric with blue skin, and she is neither a magic-user nor a nun.

    Also, to those who are going through midterms, I have words for you. Yes, I do. Several words.

    1. Sleepless nights are coming up.

    2. Drink lots of coffee/tea/cold water. Whatever keeps you peeing throughout the night to help you stay awake.

    3. I will not wish you luck. Your success is based solely on your work ethic.

    4. If you feel like giving up, go take a nap. You'll feel even grosser afterwards and you'll wish you hadn't, but it's worth a try.

    5. Keep doing laundry, no matter what.

    September 27, 2014

    Tara and Anya



    Hey.

    "... This bathroom's nice."
    Been watching a bit of Buffy while studying for my very scary upcoming midterms. I wish there were more scenes between Anya and Tara. They could have had a beautiful friendship... 

    Unfortunately, they mainly interact in group settings or with their respective partners, and it really one-dimensionalises their characters.

    September 23, 2014

    Conversations With My Parents (But Mainly With My Mum)



    Hey.

    Didn't have any good screencaps from "Conversations with Dead People", so here's the Cheese Man.
    (Also, Tuesday posts seem to be missing original cartoons. School drains the energy from me.)
    On with the hard-hitting content.

    I present 'Conversations with My Parents', a screenplay.

    1.

    TORY
                           Hey Mum, look at my hair.


    TORY'S MUM
                             (looks at Tory's hair)

    September 20, 2014

    Daria



    Hey.


    Have rewatched 4 to 5 seasons of Daria.

    It's Great.

    September 16, 2014

    Bad Poetry Day



    Hey.

    Parliament, circa April 2012
    Time to show off some Bad Poetry.

    Cold
    It's chilly outside
    Just above zero degrees
    Hi, sweater weather

    September 13, 2014

    A Potentially Dangerous Game



    Hey.

    If textbook shaming doesn't already exist, someone needs to do it.

    I'm playing a potentially dangerous game at this moment.

    I won't die.

    It's not that dangerous.

    It's not even a game.

    This un-dangerous not-game has a name. It's called "How Long Can [Tory] Last This Semester Without Buying Any Textbooks?"

    Good luck to all the students out there wondering if it's more worthwhile to get food or textbooks.

    September 09, 2014

    'Murica



    Hey.

    Didn't have time to draw anything, so I borrowed this from Google. I'll try to do something at some point, and Happy Mid-Autumn Festival!
    Just binge-watched many, many episodes of American Horror Story. Good Lawd. Every episode I was all "You gon' die gurl/son" and they do.

    I realise the entire series requires some suspension of disbelief, but there are a couple of things that really confused me. For example, everybody waltzing in and out of the Harmons' home in Murder House. The aliens, psychopaths, angels and demons, all happening at the same time in the second season (which also had, to my great delight, a final girl). And I can't comment on Coven because I haven't finished it, but poor, poor Misty.

    On a separate but related note, why do mystical figures who grant wishes always ask for babies in return? What do they do to them? Eat them?

    ... Probably.

    September 06, 2014

    'Bones Are Forever', Music Is For Now



    Hey.

    I wanted to draw something but classes started up this week. Have a shitty photo instead.
    There was an entire review typed up for this CD ('Bones Are Forever' by Ainsley McNeaney), but after a couple of rereads, I decided it wasn't actually all that interesting and I deleted it. However, I did preserve this very last bit:

    ... I give BAF the adverb+adjective "wistfully whimsical", and 4.3 out of 5.0 Tory Stevenson cartoons (I just made up a rating system).

    This is a scientifically and francophonally important rating system. At 5.0 we have the album 'Goi Rode Goi!!' by Arkona; at 0.0 we have anything ever recorded by Florence Foster Jenkins.

    If this seems interesting at all, you can find Ainsley McNeaney's website here.


         Speaking of reviews, I read this the other day, and damn. Mr. Stephan J Harper has no shame. If [all five of] you are too lazy to click on the link, it's a review of a mystery novel in which all the characters are teddy bears. The review itself isn't entirely critical, and is actually fairly mild, but the author's reaction down in the comments section is completely batshit insane - and increases in insanity as the comments drag on. The poor man appears to have some sort of narcissistic personality disorder (which is something I clearly can't relate to).

    September 02, 2014

    Ode to the Unfinished



    Hey.


    Above is a Thing that I will never finish, scanned from my novel-sized sketchbook named Karen.

    Below is a sentence that will never be finished.

    This sentence will

    August 30, 2014

    The Coal Bear's Last Days of Summer



    Hey.


    Oh puns.






    Edit: Title originally said 'Dog Days' instead of 'Last Days'. This post was written during the Dog Days.

    August 26, 2014

    The Hollering Construction Machine, the Registered Trademark, and the Long Title



    Hey.


    More from the series of Sketches by Little Me.

    This post has an additional thingy. Yay!

    I have a third part to my loosely related and occasionally murderous anthropomorphic inanimate object short stories ( part one and part two), but couldn't think of an illustration to go with it. It is also the shortest of the three - elementary-school level in length -, due to it having been written in the middle of a very drowsy six hour journey from one Canadian city to another.

    This entire post was written in the middle of a very drowsy six hour journey from one Canadian city to another.

    The Band-Aid®

         Once upon a time, there was a Band-Aid®.

         Band-Aids® are, as a rule, perpetually sad and pessimistic due to the nature of their job, and this one was no exception. It waited in its completely sealed-off little wax paper wrapper. 'To keep us sterile', it scoffed. More like 'To keep us isolated and demoralised'. Goddamn pharmaceutical industry.

    August 23, 2014

    Sketchy Sketch Sketch



    Hey.


    A bit of a throwback to my younger years sketching things. Copied it out of an ad; don't remember what for. Clothes, probably.

    Little Me didn't put in the ground so it looks a bit wonky, but I leave it to your beautiful, expansive imaginations to see it.

    On a related note, one upside of staying with the Parents is 24/7 access to the scanner. This is the beginning of a bunch of sketch posts instead of my cartoons.

    August 19, 2014

    Childrin R Skary (Katy Towell)



    Hey

    Click to enlarge, like your mum's - ...

    Back - for a couple weeks, at least, before school starts ruining my free time again - to your regularly scheduled programming...

    This is a submission my - er - friend Cynthia (ignore our uncannily similar styles) drew a few years ago for a Childrin R Skary contest. The quality's rather pixelly and bad, but the originals have disappeared - presumably to a better plane of existence.

    For those who do not know what and who Childrin R Skary and Katy Towell are, click here. They are both wonderful.

    August 17, 2014

    Surprise!



    Hey.


    The Titanic sank a little while ago, and I insensitively used it to illustrate the hopelessness of my upcoming midterms last November.

    July 29, 2014

    On Hiatus...



    ... for the next while. Not that there are any regular readers.

    Getting things done and living (temporarily) with parents are mutually exclusive aspects of life.

    July 26, 2014

    Kitsune-san



    Hey.


    Their little canines were also ADORABLE.

    There were these two anthropomorphic mice...


    ... who only made two appearances and I laughed way too much at both of them.

    On a related note, I hold nothing but respect for all the mangaka out there. I could barely draw one measly, mediocre kitsune, and these people can illustrate whole, occasionally incoherent, storylines. Nothing but respect.

    July 22, 2014

    Headlining Today



    Hey.


    This is the second of a series. Totally unrelated first story here.

    The Little Nail

         Once upon a time, there was a little nail - a quiet nail, a bent, unobtrusive nail sticking out of a wall, minding no one but nailself. It had a purpose, it knew it did, and an important one too, but it had been nailed there for such a long time that it couldn't remember quite what it was. It doesn't matter, it told itself quietly, I'm content, embedded here. I will observe the happenings and goings-on of this place, and live a long, undisturbed existence.

         The occupants of the house - for it was a house nail - were simple, happy folk. They had lived there almost as long as the nail, and the living area was cozy and slightly chaotic. Memories of an extended residency tend to pile up in the form of several photos and knick-knacks, and these cluttered the entire house in a warm, friendly manner.

         One day everything changed.

    July 19, 2014

    Whale



    Hey.


    A sassy whale.

    For your enjoyment.

    July 15, 2014

    I can draw! ... I can draw?



    Hey.


    A bone pen. Will strive for better resolution.

    July 12, 2014

    Ferric Oxide



    Hey.


    My father: the original hipster.

    La Roux usually has bigger hair than this. It's still bigger than mine though.

    Finished watching Orange is the New Black. They really toned Pennsatucky down this season, which was disappointing. She was - still is - my favourite crazy of all crazies.

    I totally called (spoiler; highlight the space beside this) Fig's husband being gay from the first second I saw him.

    "Do you ever wonder about why we wear clothes? Like really think about it?"

    "I feel trapped inside my face."

    July 08, 2014

    Long Post



    Hey.


    This started out as a squiggle. I chuckled to myself and made it a potato.